How To Deal With Break-up Stress.
Break-ups are one of the toughest experiences humans have to go through. Regardless of how long the relationship was, how amicably the two people parted, or who initiated it, break-up can leave us confused, irritated, and depressed for a long period of time, questioning our sense of self, loveability, and concept of love in general.
Importantly, researchers found that break-ups not only affect us mentally, but also physically. Have you ever felt like your heart was literally breaking and in pain after a break-up? It turns out that there is a good reason for it — a 2011 study from the University of Michigan found that even looking at an image of an ex lights up the areas of the brain associated with pain.
Researchers also found that being in love affects our brains, raising activity of dopamine, the chemical that signals feedback for predicted rewards, as well as oxytocin, commonly known as the ‘love hormone’. When a break-up occurs, your brain is suddenly deprived of these positive sensations and craves them at any cost.
MRI studies of cocaine addicts and recently single show striking similarities in their brain physiology, suggesting that romantic rejection is a specific form of addiction.
No wonder that the sudden loss of a lover can trigger withdrawal symptoms, associated with drugs or alcohol.
Break-up also affects our physiology; according to a 2008 study from the University of Arizona, those engaged in long-term relationships start to regulate each other’s biological rhythms, such as sleep, heart rate, body temperature, and appetite. Therefore, break-ups can throw the body’s rhythm into chaos, in extreme cases compromising its immune system.
How to deal with a break-up.
When people break-up, it is tempting to jump right into the ‘hard work’ — rebuilding the sense of self, changing the way we look at the world or select romantic partners, or — worse still — starting to date right away.
But in light of the research mentioned above, the first thing a newly single person should deal with to more effectively handle the mental and existential implications of a break-up, is to address its physiological and physical symptoms.
Below we present three steps that a newly single person should take to begin and accelerate their break-up recovery.
1) Controlled mourning.
The world often teaches us to hide away our emotions, pretending that everything is fine and carrying on with life as if nothing happened. ‘Keep calm and carry on’, as the Brits say.
But a break-up is a form of grief and in order to get over it, we must go through its four emotional stages — denial, anger, depression, and bargaining — to finally reach acceptance necessary for full recovery.
Therefore, instead of trying to be tough and burying your emotions, allow yourself to feel them all, as painful and scary as this prospect might seem. You may want to take some time off from work or study, or devote a weekend to processing all difficult thoughts and feelings that might arise.
Then, after the allotted mourning time is over, pick yourself up and re-enter the real world. The occasional moments of sadness or anger that will inevitably pop up in the future, will feel far less disempowering after you have allowed yourself to feel and process them fully.
2) Take care of yourself.
Another ‘mistake’ that many people who go through break-ups make, is putting additional strain on the body and mind. It might be tempting to eat or drink your sorrows away, deprive oneself from sleep, avoid movement or over-exercise, and throw oneself into work or other commitments. In the long run, however, these will only deprive you of energy that you very much need at this stage.
At times like this, it is absolutely essential to treat oneself gently and with kindness — imagine that you’re dealing with a little baby who has just been hurt or gone through a severe cold.
Forget about diets, straining exercise regimes, or overly challenging projects at work, and instead treat yourself to comforting, good quality food, soothing sleep, massage, gentle movement, calming practices (such as yoga), and a well-deserved break from any energy-draining projects.
All of these will help you decrease cortisol levels in the brain, instead replenishing serotonin, endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin that your brain has been deprived of; and will help you get back to the full swing of things faster.
3) Get some love.
Break-ups often leave us feeling unlovable and somehow flawed, and so oftentimes people tend to suffer in isolation instead of turning to their loved ones for support.
Specialised literature, however, will tell you that social support is one of the three main coping mechanisms that predict one’s chances of post-break-up recovery.
Let your family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers know that you’re going through a difficult time, and ask for help from those who are close to you. Most likely, your loved ones will be more than happy to listen to you and offer support in many different forms.
If you’re not comfortable with explicitly reaching out to your friends and family for help, make sure to at least spend time with those you care about and who make you feel good. Appreciating their presence in your life can serve as a confirmation that you’re lovable and cared for, and that you’ve got support to fall back on in the face of any adversity.
Key Take-away.
On top of the aforementioned tips, like with any addiction, the key thing that will facilitate break-up recovery is to stay away from the ‘drug’.
It’s only natural to be tempted to continue talking to or meeting with an ‘ex’ — at the end of the day, they once were the source of all the positive sensations that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Doing so, however, acts like a double-edge sword, providing a temporary pain relief only to put you back in square one the moment they are gone.
Getting over a break-up necessarily requires staying away from your ex (and their social media accounts…) for long enough to be able to get over the addiction. Only then we can begin to ponder more complex issues that will eventually help us rebuild our self-worth, faith in love, and trust in others.
Break-ups are hard, we get it, but they can also be seen as a break-through, if you use them as an opportunity to grow your resilience, strengthen your sense of self, and aim for a better romantic relationship in the future.
Before you start pondering these ‘bigger topics’, however, it is paramount that you allow a sufficient amount of time to heal your ‘broken heart’, and that starts from effectively addressing the emotional and physiological implications of the break-up. We hope that our tips will accelerate that process, and help you move on to a brighter, better future.
How to deal with stress is a publication packed with tips and techniques for dealing with stress and anxiety in everyday settings — brought to you by Agnieszka (Aggie) Zbieranska & Leon Taylor.
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